I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to travel light. Everytime I go somewhere I try, I really try, but it never seems to work out. Something always slips in a extra pair of trousers, or a top or two. Well you never know what will happen do you ? I fully admit to being clumsy and to decide that a meal particularly prone to staining is likely to land in my lap as much as my mouth. And then there is the weather, what if it gets a little chilly, you would be kicking yourself if you didn't have an extra jumper, just to be on the safe side like.

On my latest trip however I let the reckless carefree packing out from deep inside me, I threw caution to the wind. Or should that be I throw caution into the wind ? as it can flying straight back at me. One change of shirt, just the one, one singular item of clothing and a pair of running shoes were the only item I placed into my suitcase. * So how then does my case still manage to be nearly 1 kg overweight?

I have a theory, lets call it the If-you-are-going-to-leave-me-at-home-you-are-bloody-well-going to-have-to-carry-everything-I-would-have-brought-anyway theory. Kind of a catchy title I think you would agree. Anyway IYAGTLMEHYABWGTHTCEIWHBA theory states that there is a direct relationship between how much space you leave in a suitcase and the number of items a spouse will decide to request. My original idea of just taking an overnight bag had somehow transform into the end section of the generation game. The only thing missing was the cuddly toy and that was only due to the lack of space, and maybe because it was considered too light.

A book the size of a council paving slab, a games console, dried pear halfs, a little English flag, though I must admit I did slip this in for myself were the reward I received for walking around with soup stains down my leg. From now on I am giving up on traveling light, its just too heavy.

*In the interest of hygiene and so you don't consider me to be a walking cesspit I insist on inserting this disclaimer. The reason I did not pack any change of underwear, or items of personal hygiene was due to the said items being available to my final destination. Thank you for you attention in this matter and on behalf of all here at runjamesrun may we wish you a pleasant onward journey.

Its that time of year again...

"Ladies and Gentlemen in the interest of increasing efficiency can we request that you remove your outer coats before reaching the x-ray arches. Thank you for your cooperation" Indeed most people did heed the advice given but no matter how many times the message was played over the tannoy one man steadfastly refused to comply. Maybe he didn't speak English, airplanes are clever enough to fly to lands with different native tongues after all. Maybe he was just one of those awkward buggers that get a kick out of doing the opposite of what they are told. Maybe he was busy trying to work out what the difference between an outer and an inner coat might be. Whatever, he wasn't going to remove his. As he came closer to the front of the queue, fellow passengers tried to alert him to the errors of his ways but it was off no use, indeed the zip was pushed in an upward direction.

Finally he reached the front of the queue, "Sir I really am going to have to request that you remove your jacket" At which point the chap sighed, nodded, and removed his coat to reveal his aussie rugby shirt.

Planes, Trains, Buses and automobiles. (and bicycles)

As if I was not tired enough by the routine of normal life, I have managed to squeeze in a little jaunt to the tropical UK. Well Ryanair were as good as paying me to come with one of their latests offers so it would have been rude to have turned them down, wouldn't it? Of course working shifts I usually walk around like a zombie at the best of times, this week I have been promoted, you are now reading the words of deputy chief of the south east division zombie.

Working the night before until midnight, before heading back on my now much more stable bike in the snow before putting myself to bed for 3 hours. " Two hours in a car, followed by 3 hours waiting at the airport, before the point of mass activity. The ryan air boarding call otherwise know as the ohhh-no-what-if-they-don't-have-enough-seats-ryanair-scrum do people really believe that the last people just get thrown in with the cases ? Madness. The flight itself was unadventful about from a shout of "fy fan" which woke me from my sleep. That's the Swedish which roughly translates as ohh shit. Almost appeared on this occasion as looking across the poor fella trousers were soaking wet and a drink can was lying on its side. If he had knocked over a drink to hide the fact he had wet himself I was not able to discover as sleep was considered more important at this point.

The journey continues first by bus before being met by Clarice. Before you start thinking this whole trip is my wall of being unfaithful to Maria, I had better point out that Clarice is in fact a Yaris. Why my mum feels the need to name every car she owns I dont know.

After finially arriving, where do i get taken for my first day? Christmas shopping. On reflection the perfect activity for a zombie to blend right in with his srroundings.

There are some things in life that you are not meant to forget, anniversaries, mothers’ birthdays and how to ride a bike. The first two, no problems, well provided I have a few nudges around the time, no problems. The last one why that’s a bit trickier, maybe I never learnt in the first place. Or maybe I haven’t forgotten at all, maybe it’s just my common sense switch that has been flicked into the off position. When water turns to ice, you really should think twice, but I’m an idiot and that would also explain why I cant think of any more rhymes to continue that short poem.

4am Monday last week as I headed off to work the incident occurred. Under the starlight sky on one of the quieter cycle tracks I began my journey from the vertical to the horizontal. Being a clumsy clot, I always assumed that I would fall off a bike in a crash bang wallop kind of style. In reality I performed the feat with a sublime elegance and instead of having throbbing pains all over it was more of a case of I really should get up now its kind of cold down here.

Relatives off course can be expected to sympathise, mothers would probably run with a bottle of tcp, never mind the fact the tcp hurts more than the original fall. Sisters can be a little trickier to predict. When I phoned her to say that I had fallen and was therefore purchasing some safety aids, the little brat burst out laughing singing that I had to use stabilisers. No sister I am fitting studded tires like every other sensible person at this time of year. Yeah yeah whatever she struck back.

This wasn’t particularly supportive of her, I don’t remember being like that when she decided to try and impress the ice skating judges with a double pirouette on the dual carriageway a winter or two ago. Maximum points were only narrowly missed due to the error of pointing in the wrong direction with only cars speeding past, So I pointed this out to her. This struck a nerve, subtle changes occur in the way she commutates as a wounded animal. As a loving brother I can pick up these pointers, it would be kind of hard to miss the high-pitched tones as she randomly presses the buttons on her handset.

So the moral of this story – Don’t fall off your bike, you will upset your sister.

One of the nicer aspects of living in Sweden is having nature on your doorstep. With winter fast approaching we have taken to hanging out food for the birds and have been rewarded with a wide range of visitors. From the more common smaller birds, to walking-down-tree-upside-down-hiding-food-in-the-bark bird to a woodpecker that has taken a fancy to my balls of fat (had to be careful how I phrased that part – phew) Apparently there is a minx in the area, we know this as a dog owner ran to the newspapers upset when it attacked her dog, and we have seen signs of a beaver but not the creature itself.

Ducks can be found in plentifully quantities but I don’t really wish to bring those up for the comments it might result in. In a very blonde moment I was heard to inquire if ducks hibernated. Very stupid I admit. However I am willing to risk asking another daft question about these very same birds. At night, obviously being very tired, they stop chasing floated bits of stale bread, tuck their heads under their eiderdowns and float about asleep. Being night it tends to get cold, being Sweden make that very cold, and water being water it tends to freeze. So how do the ducks know it is safe to go to sleep with risking getting stuck in the water?

Yesterday, just outside our bedroom window we were privileged to be able to get a close up view of an owl. Sadly this proximity was more to do with the owl being dead than showing us some goodwill. The bird has now been taken to its final resting place in the forest. Upon recounting this tale to my mother she replied, “Why don’t you get it stuffed” – sorry have I missed something here? – “You could get it stuffed and have it in your sitting room, someone at work has, cost them 100 pounds mind, but you could” I think we decided to pass on the opportunity. At what point is it you start to worry about your parents?

Maybe its when you hear tales of them kidnapping teddy bears from the porters at their work. When they lay down plans of a military standard of how the bear will be required. Then spend time searching for a font than looks like newspaper clippings for the ransom note and snip off a little bit of fur to add to the effect. Maybe its when the ransom is set at only one bar of chocolate despite there being several kidnappers. Or maybe it’s when the said bear is returned before half the porters’ even notice the little fella was missing.

Whatever the answer, I feel Maria is getting a better understanding by the day the reasons I turned out the way I did.

Well it appears I will not be running the next London Marathon after all. Cheques have been clearing the bank since the Friday before last but as yet nothing has left my bank account. Actually I tell I lie my credit card bill was paid of and at an account very similar to the entrance fee and for all of 15 seconds my hopes were high. But it wasn't to be. The bottom line being there are only so many place available via the ballot and it would seem that one of them is not destined to be mine.

My plan in case this scenario was to occur was to purchase a travel package. Foreign tour operators have deals whereby if you purchase your hotel room via them at 100 percent inflated prices they have start places to sell to you. For a one off this expense could perhaps be incurred. Except for the fact that they are sold out.

That leaves the Golden Bond route. Charities can buy start place at a cost of 250 pounds. These are then offered on to runners who can pledge to raise a minimum of anywhere between 1000 and 1500 pounds. Setting aside the moral of asking people for donations for one charity while knowing around 20 percent would be heading in a completely different direction, they is a much larger problem with this choice. I do not believe I could raise this much.

Given that I can´t run a marathon under 3 hours and claim an automatic start place or that I do not wish to run as a bandit I have no choice but to put of London until another year. Stockholm is therefore my next marathon in the summer of 2004 and the process of keeping fingers crossed for a reduced bank balance will begin all over again next November.